Charlie's Skeletons
by jmolly
Summary: Written by Anthony, the brat husband of jmolly, who claims no responsibility for this insanity. Charlie wasn't always a cop.  Bella and the Cullens discover he's been keeping more secrets from them, than they've been keeping from him.
1. Chapter 1: Out of the Closet

**Charlie's Skeletons: **

**Chapter One: Out of the Closet**

**Jmolly (glares while typing): You need your own ff account.**

**Anthony: No, this is geared to your readers. I am just putting out feelers to see what people think of my ideas. I can't write Dirty Charlie forever. People had issues with him. I'm trying to straighten out his 'squicky thoughts'. Gimme the laptop and I'll type some myself.**

_**(2 Hours Later)**_

**Jmolly: So what have you come up with?**

**Anthony: Seven more pages. I'm so excited. Aren't you proud of me?**

**Jmolly: Sure. Let's see (reads document). Anthony? See these little funny squiggly lines on the keyboard? They're called quotation marks. You put speech inside them. Lord! And you're supposed to start a new paragraph when somebody new talks. Holy crow, this is gonna take me hours.**

**Anthony: I am illegitimate. You know this. Now, get editing, woman.**

**Jmolly: You're getting as bad as Edward.**

**Anthony: You know you base Edward on me.**

**Jmolly: Don't get cocky. I also base Jacob and Charlie on you. And parts of Jasper.**

**Anthony (drawls while giving Wife once-over): Really?**

**Jmolly (rolls eyes): You men are all alike. I **_**know**_** what parts of each character you hope you resemble, and they have everything to do with cocks, abs and pretty faces, and nothing to do with personality.**

**Anthony (offended): I resemble that remark. Charlie's personality has plenty to it that I admire.**

**Jmolly: How? Your Charlie thinks with his dick.**

**Anthony: All men think with their dicks. My Charlie is just honest about it.**

**Jmolly: Hmm. Tell me about your story, because it departs wildly from my canon. The only things in common appear to be Ren's DOB, the Vanquish, and the fact Charlie knows they are vampires.**

**Anthony: Well, I am diverging from your canon. After all, you diverged from SM's canon.**

**Jmolly: Touché. Now, why Charlie?**

**Anthony: He's the only character to whom I can relate. He's a Dad and he's very protective of his family. Especially his little girl. And I've always fantasized about being the Navy Seal that protects his family and his country.**

**Jmolly: So you're definitely signing up for the Canadian Naval Reserve?**

**Anthony: Yep. And you are going to be happy to get me out of the house a couple of weeks a year. So, is my story gonna be a hit?**

**Jmolly: I can't honestly say. My readers' response to you is unpredictable. We're very different storytellers, and I have no idea if they'll get your tongue-in-cheek humour like I do. I'm enjoying it, though.**

**Anthony: Are you done editing yet?**

**Jmolly (blinks): Heaven sakes. Watch it, or I'm gonna start calling you 'Cullen'. Just by breaking up the paragraphs, this has gone from 12 pages to 22, and I haven't added any grammar yet. You're worse than a Newbie. In fact, any self-respecting Beta would throw this back at you and run away screaming.**

**Anthony: You like the back of me. You are the English expert in the family. I bow to your red pen.**

**Jmolly: Damn straight. Now leave me alone.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

_**(Next evening, 6 hours of editing later)**_

**Anthony: Aren't you done yet? I want to write the rest tonight.**

**Jmolly: No. Go away.**

**Anthony (whines): But I want to write Chapter 2 and post this one!**

**Jmolly: Trespassers will be eaten.**

**Anthony (wipes drool): Can we fuck now?**

**Jmolly (mutters): Where's Ed when I need him?**

**Disclaimer: jmolly has nothing to do with this, aside from endorsing and incorriging her husband, who is for all intents and purposes insane. What of it? He supports Twiaddicts, he's cute when he writes, and he's taking her to see 'Breaking Dawn' a second time on Saturday. What's not to love? **

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**

Late fall, 2011:

_Charlie's pov:_

I was sitting down enjoying a weekend beer (off duty). The phone rang. I continued to sit there, not really caring. At ring #15, it finally stopped. Two minutes later, it rang twice and stopped. Two minutes later, it rang once and stopped.

"Oh, fuck," I said to myself, "it's the Code."

I walked to the phone, configured another code, and picked up the receiver one second after the first ring started. I was silent at first. The other party was silent, too. Then, I said into the receiver, "Swan, 297666."

A female voice responded, _"Swan? It's Bates. We need to meet face-to-face and talk."_

I replied, "Linda, it's been sixteen years since I accepted the proposal to be placed in Forks as Police Chief. After all this time, you want to meet about something?"

"_Charlie, it's imperative: a matter of life and death. Why don't you come down to NAVSTA in San Diego and we'll meet on the carrier?"_

I answered, "Okay, I'll listen to what you have to say, but, Linda, I'm retired from that line of work."

I called Bella and Edward to see how they were doing with my granddaughter. Bella sounded so happy. She seemed to have real strength about her now that she had her new vamp body and scores of Cullen cash. Amongst other amenities that Edward brought to the table.

"_What's up, Dad?"_ Bella wanted to know.

"Well, Bells, I've got to go to San Diego for a few days on some, uh, police business." There was a pause.

"_Dad, Alice just started drawing one of her infamous pictures. It looks like some kind of hillside town, exploding, and your face is in the background."_

I could hear Edward say to Bella, _"That's Volterra."_

"Well, I dunno where she gets that from. I'm heading for San Diego. Talk to you when I get back."

" 'Kay. Have a good time."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, sure." With any luck, I was going to have a very good time, but Bells didn't need to know about that.

I put on some casual clothes, packed my pistol and backup 9mm, and decided I should take the Vanquish, since Edward let me use it whenever I wanted. Although it was fancy, it would still attract less attention than the cruiser. Besides, it would make me look cool, and damn if I didn't want to look good for Linda. At the thought of her, my cock was straining for a return to active duty. It had been out of commission for far too long.

Hopefully she hadn't gained a hundred pounds since last I saw her. Desk jobs make a body soft.

After a lengthy drive, I pulled up to the ramp for the carrier and locked up the Vanquish. Dozens of sailors were drooling, hopefully over the car, not over me. An ensign greeted me at the top of the gangplank. "Commander Swan, Sir!"

"That's a name I haven't heard in a very long time. At ease, Ensign."

"Thank you, Sir. If you will accompany me, Admiral Bates is waiting for you."

I followed him into the bowels of the carrier, into Admiral Bates' briefing room. Inside, were six officers, and one admiral. She turned and smiled grimly. "Commander Swan, welcome." She gestured for me to take a seat, and I noticed that the other officers in the room belonged to different navies: two from Russia, two from the UK, and two Italians.

"Charlie, I'd like you to meet the six lieutenant commanders from overseas who will be assisting us on this mission."

I put my hands on my hips. "Now hold on, there, Linda, I have not agreed to anything. Until you give me some idea of what is going on here, you can count me out."

"I'll explain it to all of you at the same time. Please be seated, Charlie."

I sat and waited expectantly.

"All these gentlemen are Lt-Commanders in their respective navies. I give you Ivan Sarkov, and Demetri Sukovski of the Russian Navy; Harry Winthorpe and Winston Pryce of the Royal British Navy; and Sergio Berloscini and Marco Palermo of the Italian Navy."

We all nodded at each other and shook hands. I was already tired of the protocol. Next thing you know, they'd be asking for a circle jerk. Mercifully, Linda got a move on.

"Gentlemen, we are hoping to assemble, here, a multinational strike team for the deadliest mission any of you have probably ever gone on, with Commander Swan in charge. You are all highly trained Special Forces. Some of you are older than the usual candidates for a mission, but your skills are unsurpassed.

"Sergio and Marco are here to confirm that a highly lethal and murderous terrorist organization, comprising hundreds, has been butchering Westerners and other foreign vacationers in a small town in the Tuscany region of Italy. Sergio and Marco, along with the Vatican's Swiss Guard, sent in a strike team to take the terrorist cell out. Six of them entered the fortress in the town of Volterra, and were never heard from again. Wireless communications were severed, and they never got out. Three weeks later, at the aforementioneds' request, we sent in one of our best-trained Navy Seal teams, the members of whom were trained by Commander Swan."

The Admiral turned to me. "Charlie, I'm sorry to tell you that it was Tommy Penetta's team. We believe they were all slaughtered."

"The director's son?" I yelped.

Linda responded, "Yes, I know he was one of your best."

"Who the hell are these terrorists?" I demanded. "Tommy even got the drop on me sometimes. He was top-notch. Nobody with brains would mess with him."

A big sigh escaped Linda as she sat on the edge of her desk, showing off her long, sexy legs. "Well, we have evidence to suggest that the terrorists are… are…not quite… alive."

My eyebrows shot up.

Linda blushed furiously. "Vampires."

Fuck me. No, really, fuck me please.

Demetri and Ivan started to laugh and jabber in Russian. Sergio and Marco glared at them.

One of the Brits said, "Bloody hell, these Yanks are cracked." His companion nodded in agreement.

I replied in Russian in an angry tone, "_Zakrylebesh' vverkh_ (Shut the fuck up)."

Linda rolled her eyes. "I didn't believe it either, but we have infrared thermal imaging of the attack that killed Tommy and his team."

Linda pressed a button to dim the lights, and on the screen came up satellite imaging of Northwest Italy, which zoomed down onto a fortress. We all gawped in amazement as we watched humans, etched in red, and dozens of other humanoid figures etched in blue, meaning that their body temperatures were below room temperature.

I was getting nervous, considering I knew the big Cullen Family Secret, as to where this was all going.

The men in the room watched, horrified, as the red figures onscreen were thrown about like rag dolls and then torn to bits by blue figures that seemed to flash at super speed. The blue figures developed red spots in their abdomens, and then turned purple.

Linda iterated, "We've had reports of fires and the odour of burning flesh, occurring late at night, similar to the Nazi death camps. Airborne particulate analysis of the area reveals high amounts of carbon, and human cellular particles. I am here to tell you today, gentlemen, that we have incontestable proof that thousands of vampires currently exist on the Earth. Most of them live non-violent, peaceful, and usually exemplary lives, and contribute greatly to human society. They are not the target and likely never will be, so long as they do not become like this vulture-like group, in the aptly-named town of Volterra, Italy. Their fortress-castle has masqueraded for centuries as an ancient monastery that periodically gives tours to visitors. Most of the inhabitants never come out.

"We estimate from affadavits and reports going back decades, perhaps centuries, that as many as 250, 000 humans have fallen victim to these creatures, who refer to themselves as the Volturi. Two FBI agents have been in contact during the past ten years with various friendly covens. They have confirmed that the large bloodthirsty group claims dominance over the others, which are significantly smaller, and rules through fear and acts of genocide. Some of the friendlies are desperate for help. They cannot take out the Volturi by themselves.

"The Volturi only venture out at night, in a fleet of cars that rivals most of the Middle East Sheiks'. They have a fleet of jets with highly-skilled pilots that fly nap-o-the earth and fall off our radar. They land in obscure, often abandoned, airstrips."

My reaction was adamant. "Admiral Bates, if you think I am going to take an elite team in there, you are crazy!" Especially since my son-in-law was scared to undeath of Aro Volturi. But she didn't need to know that.

Linda was unmoved. "No, Commander, we have no intention of adding you names to the death list."

Harry blurted out, "How much are we getting paid for this job when we will likely be fish meal at the end?"

Linda replied, "One million each before and 1 million each after. Dead or alive you will all come home…likely the latter…and the sum is in Euros being paid by His Eminence the Pope's Petty Cash Fund."

All of the lieutenant commanders were quiet and looked at each other and me with little nods of acceptance.

"I'm in. So, Admiral, what is the plan?" I asked.

"With great input from Sergio and Marco along with the European geological and seismology vulcanologist, we have determined that this area of Tuscany has a very active and high pressure magma river flow, only a few kilometers beneath the earth's crust, pretty much directly under the town of 10,000 inhabitants, which are 98% human. To the south, some 30 KM away is one of the world's largest geo-thermal energy plants in the town of Larderello. With the Italian prime minister's dick landing him in so much trouble, it was not hard to get him to agree to fake a catastrophe at the plant, requiring an evacuation for some 100 km around….more than covering a safe distance from Volterra. We want you, Charlie and team, to assemble on a mountain hill side some 7km _here_ outside the town as you can see on the satellite image. There is a high surface block of solid granite that will shield you from the blast if you are stupid enough to be there when it goes off.

Ivan inquired in a deep Russian voice, "Blast, what blast from where?"

The Admiral answered, "While you will assist in targeting and verifying that nothing alive departs from the town, upon this hillside just shown to you, you will have high powered rail gun rifles with titanium tripods mounts. Each of you was selected not only for your lethal skills, but for your sniper abilities to blow the balls of a chipmunk from a mile away. These guns have high-powered targeting ultra-zoom scopes that can see 20 km with laser sights, and fire a 30 mm aluminum round at 5000 meters per second. This next point I can't emphasize enough: dawn will just be breaking behind you, so the daylight should be sufficient to take out any Vamp targets from a safe distance, but you must hit the round in the upper chest area to ensure decapitation and likely vaporization from the hit. If you miss a target, we have confirmation that in daylight the vampires sparkle like diamonds, but they move so fast that one could cross seven kilometers to be in your face in about one minute."

"Jesus Christ," Harry gasped, "that is Harrier speed."

"Yes," the Admiral confirmed, "and on that note, the seven of you -Lord willing- will be picked up by three Blackhawks with F35's and F117's running patrol overhead after the blast.

"And now, for the big blast," the Admiral said, adjusting her blouse to my delight. "On board the carrier USS Carl Vinson, exists a top secret prototype Stealth-platform called The X47B Series #3. It is an UCAV Stealth vehicle, able to climb to 90,000 meters directly over a target, attack at 90 degrees vertical flight at Mach 3. These vehicles are able to launch two, five ton aluminum shells, with more rail gun technology available, at speeds of ten thousand meters per second.

"After satellite imaging and GPS, plus your laser guidance, identify the target, the rounds will be fired from 30 kilometers directly above the Volturi Fortress, meaning Impact will occur in three seconds. We believe four shells in total, targeting the turrets of the fortress, should not only vaporize every living thing within 4 kilometers, but will likely crack the crust, allowing the methane, steam and lava pockets to release, making the destruction of Volterra look like an unfortunate geological event."

"Sounds doable," I said. "When do we get underway to the Carrier in the Mediterranean?"

The Admiral replied, " B2'S will leave from Miramar in 5 days to land on the Carrier, then you'll have 48 hours to review plans, train with the weapons, and gear up. Black hawks will drop you at rally point at 90 minutes before sunrise, and then everything goes _bang_. The ash cloud will obstruct targeting so you must rely on the infrared thermals to take out any possible stragglers, however unlikely it will be to have anything survive a 5000ºC vaporization."

Bates regarded the room. "Everybody in?"

"Yes."

"Dismissed. See you at Miramar in 5 days." She dropped her pen on the table and looked at me. "Charlie, please stay for a quick word."

The others left and presumably disembarked. The admiral invited me back to her Cabin. As soon as the door shut, she let down her hair from her cap, took off her shoes and jacket, and undid a few buttons. "Want a drink?"

"Sure."

"Scotch okay?"

"You bet."

Linda poured the scotch straight over some ice. "Charlie, you have not changed a bit in 15 years. Still as sexy as the day I first laid eyes on you." She handed me the drink.

"Thanks," I said.

"Remember that first time in the back of the car during the Berlin mission? That was still one of the best orgasms of my life and I miss it terribly."

"Linda I …I …"

"Sshhhhh," she whispered, "don't move or you will have to answer to Master Bates, understand Commander?

Linda planted a great open mouth kiss on me, swirling her tongue around the roof off my mouth and teeth, as she fumbled with my belt and zipper. Finally my pants were down and I was too far gone to stop her. She grabbed my dripping wet cock through my boxers and breathed heavily on them. Pulling them away she took my entire 8 inches in her mouth like a shark attack, and started sucking like she had not sucked cock in 15 years. I grabbed the back of her head with both hands a rammed my rod hard and fast until she was pulling my ass apart and thrusting even further down my shaft.

I stood her up and stripped her naked and I removed the rest of my clothes. Lifting Linda on to the bolted-to-the- floor desk, I plunged my missile into her hot volcano and nibbled on her tits as she growled and moaned, "Fuck me Commander, fuck me!" Harder and faster we went, our lips smacking, as sucking each other's chests and faces, her chasm began to drip. I could feel my cum building and said I was going to blow. With that she came: a gushing orgasmic squirt all over the desk and quickly leapt up to engulf my cock just as I shots loads to fill her hungry mouth.

Linda swirled and cleaned every drop. Wiping her mouth she said, "How about dinner?"

Just like old times. I replied, "Sure!" We talked and reminisced all night long. I crashed at a hotel as Linda had to get back to the carrier. The next day I drove home to Forks.

I called Renee.

"_Hello?"_ Renee answered.

"Hi, it's me."

"_Hi Charlie. How is Bella, and the Beau and Baby?" _

I rolled my eyes. Ren looks ten years old, for fuck's sake. "Oh they are just great…she is very happy with this … eternity, and Cullen cash, eh?"

"_Yes,"_ Renee replied. _"You sound distracted."_

A big long pause ensues… "Bates called me up for a job," I blurted out.

"_Charlie you left that life. It is what killed our marriage you can't go back. It has been a decade since you were in it. IT'S NOT WORTH IT."_

"The pay is really good…"

"_Charlie it's not the money, it's losing your life."_

"But it means, Renee, that Bella and the Cullens would never feel endangered again from the vultures."

Renee whined in a sarcastic tone, _"What do you mean?"_

I replied, "They want me to take out the fortress in Italy."

Renee gasped, _"Holy shit-fuck! Are you crazy? It is not worth it! Our life with Bella and the Baby? She would be so lost without you."_

"Renee it pays two million Euro's." There was silence. "Renee…..Reneee are you there?"

"_Barely….How dangerous is it?"_

"I think it is not too bad. High-tech weapons from a great distance. Watch the news in the coming week and you'll figure it out."

Renee said, _"Maybe since Phil has turned out to be a wash-out, I can get spousal support?"_

"Renee!" I yelled.

She replied, _"Just kidding…what will you tell Bella?"_

"Nothing," I stated. "It is too risky that the whole coven and the wolves would show up and get vaporized too."

"_Vaporized!"_

I answered, "Fuck I got to go…Tell Bells I am back down in San Diego on police work."

"_No Charlie! You call her right now and tell her yourself!"_

"I'll try," I said.

"_Good luck and come back in one piece. We all need you…AND I STILL LOVE YOU VERY MUCH."_ Renee started to cry as she hung up the phone.

I poured a stiff Blue Label and pondered what I could say to Bella. I sat down and grabbed the phone.

_Hi, Dad."_

"Does Alice ever surprise you and not tell you who is calling?"

"_Nope. What's up? How was San Diego?"_

"Oh…ah… fine, but I have to go back down and won't be back for a few weeks."

"_A few weeks? Well Edward and I wanted to go down there too. Maybe we could come with you?"_

"No No No! I will be busy at conventions and meeting and presentations!"

Alice interrupted in a swirly sing-speech. _"No he won't. He is lying."_

"_Dad, what is going on?"_

"Nothing I just have to go on some serious business. I wanted to tell you how much I love you, and how proud I am of you and Edward, and happy for your new life. You're the best, Bells."

"_Dad, where are you going and what are you really doing?"_

"Ah...Bells, I can't tell you certain things…highly confidential…I'll be okay. Hopefully you mother will be okay…"

"_Mom? What is wrong with Mom?"_

"Oh nothing, nothing I just upset her about old times….and ah…ah…Bells I got to go. I got lots to do."

"_Alriiiggght, Dad. We love you too. Call us when you're back."_

"Will do," I said in a tense and emotional scratchy whisper. "Bye, dear." I hung up.

_**Bella's pov:**_

Alice came running over. "I _See_ he is involved in something really big and it's not here, but in Europe."

"I'm calling Mom right now." I dialed my mother's number. "Hi Mom, it's Bella."

"_Hi Bella,"_ Renee answered in a stuffed-up voice.

"Do you have a cold or are you sick?"

"_No dear…"_

"So what is going on with Dad?"

"_Oh Dear, I can't … says….it's…it's… it's…" _

"_What Mom?"_

Great silence stretched as Reneee gasped and sighed heavily. "_Oh Fuck it_" she said at last. "_You deserve to know."_

"Know WHAT Mom?"

"_Bella, your Father was not always a cop."_

"What do you mean?"

"_It was the main cause of me leaving…it was not the boredom I claimed, but rather the constant fear of him not coming home." _

I bit my lip. "You mean from his police work?"

There was another long silence. "_No dear your father used to be … well I guess still is … a Navy Seal Commander."_

"What!"

Renee answered, "_For decades you Father was a US Navy Seal Commander, who actually trained most of the elite corp in service this day. Then, he did a few years at the NSA and CIA-"_

"Why did you not tell me?"

"_Well dear, word travels and your father might still have enemies." _

"Was he really that good, like the team that got Bin Laden…?"

"_Oh no, dear, they leave that sort of work to the underlings. Your father makes James Bond look like Johnny English and Cluseau all rolled into one. YOUR Father is the best of the elite."_

I sat down. "Holy Fuck." Edward eyed me with concern. "So where is he going?" I demanded.

Just then Alice ran in screaming again. "He's taking out the Volturi!"

I hyperventilated into the phone. "Mom…."

Renee replied, _"Alice is right!"_

I muttered, "I can't believe I never picked up on anything."

Renee replied, "_Before you even told us about you new life, your Father used to call and tell me how he could hear Edward fly up the trellis. And Jacob too. He could not believe how strong they were. He always said they would make great Seals."_

"I always wondered how much he heard."

Renee answered, "_Being a trained Seal, he knew it all."_

I laughed and cried at the same time. "Well, there is nothing in the house about him being in the navy. Or any of this."

"_Go down to the cellar."_

I rolled my eyes. "Mom…there is no cellar."

Renee answered , "_In the basement closet, there is a false wall. Behind it you will find your father's past."_

"Okay, Mom, Alice will try to figure out the details of the plan. Edward and I are heading to the house right now."

Renee protested, _"No dear, wait!"_

I hung up.

Edward and I arrived at the house in under 15 minutes. Charlie was gone. We rushed down to the basement and Edward took out the back of the closet. Sure enough, behind it was a 2" steel plate electro-combo-locked door. It took our combined vamp strength to break it open. A dim light shone through, so that a human might see enough to hit the main breaker. Edward flipped it.

We were dead silent, and then Edward said, "Oh my Victorian holy ...your Dad has issues." Military weapons of all sorts covered the walls, including explosives and more guns than could be found on Air Force One. A bunch of war pictures, from before the time I was born, electronics, and computers cluttered up the space.

Edward looked blown away: on the very back wall, there were more medals, crosses and stars than he had Grad Caps.

I said, "My dad is James Fucking Bond!" It was a scary thought.

Edward and I watched each other go pale white.


	2. Chapter 2: The Plan

**Chapter 2: The Plan**

_**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**_

**J: So I notice you write love scenes like a guy: the emotional connection comes after, not before.**

**A: But of course. Guys want the physical first, and then the emotions flow after.**

**J: It's been awhile since you touched this story…**

**A: Well, today's your birthday, and this is your present. If we ever finish writing this, you might get the rest of your present.**

**J: ?**

**A: xoxo %!*!*%xoox**

**J: Ok, we're done. Happy birthday to me.**

**A: *growly Carlisle noises***

**o~o~0~o~o**

**Bella's pov:**

Edward and I scurried out of the cellar, still mesmerized. We hopped into the Volvo and flew down to Carlisle and Esme's. As soon as we burst into the room, Alice was in our faces.

"Is he fucking crazy? Fuck me Bella, he's nuts. He's fucking certifiable."

Carlisle came out and said, "Let's all calm down and discuss this rationally. Esme, you'd better break out the AB negative: we all need a drink."

Jasper blurted out, "I can't believe it takes her father losing his marbles to convince you to finally break out the good stuff! If I woulda known, I would have told y'all I was bisexual months ago." He looked at our stunned faces. "Just kidding."

Emmett, in a femmebot voice, showed Jasper his dimples while he tightened his ass cheeks and pushed out his chest. "I can't believe you told them our little secret!"

Esme replied, "Enough boys! This is serious!"

"Okay, Mom," they conceded.

I was starting to get a bit pissed off. "How insensitive! If you weren't already dead I'd kill you."

We all sat down in the dining room around Esme's big rosewood table. Carlisle asked, "Bella, what can you extrapolate from Alice's vision?"

I let out a big sigh. "Well, unbeknownst to all of us, for decades, my father has a secret past in Naval Special Forces. Apparently, his reputation precedes him so much that he's been chosen to lead a group of multinational wing nuts into -somehow- infiltrating Volterra and blowing up the Volturi."

Esme, who was pouring blood at that moment, started to overflow the goblets. "Holy fucking shit!"

"Esme! Swears jar!" all the kids howled.

"Double dollars for Mom! Double dollars for Mom!" Emmett and Jasper bellowed, thumping their fists on the table.

Edward brought down his fist on the table so hard he almost cracked the rosewood. "Would you two please grow up!"

Carlisle said, "Boys, I'm at _two_."

Meek and solemn, they replied, "Sorry."

"Bella, can you go into more detail?" Carlisle asked.

"Not really," I said. "All Mom knew was that he was going to Italy."

Carlisle said, "Alice, concentrate. What can you see?"

She started to shake and quiver, patting her hand on the table. "There are these men with guns, shooting at the Volturi vampires, who are trying to overrun them. Some of the vampires are being destroyed, but the more experienced fighters are ripping some of the human soldiers to pieces. I'm not sure whether any of them are Charlie." She pushed away from the table, almost sending it across the room. "There was just a brilliant flash! Orange smoke flew up from the ground. I see bits of building flying thousands of feet away, and men taking cover behind mountainous outcrops." Her hands raked up her thighs, leaving big runners in her pantyhose. "The smoke is clearing. I see bodies everywhere; puddles of blood. Some of the vampires are dead. There's a lot of venom spilled on the ground. One soldier is alive. I can't tell from the back who it is."

Carlisle let out a big sigh. Rubbing his forehead, he said, "Oh, boy."

Edward stood up. He said sternly and proudly, "I'm going to go help him, and protect him. I'm familiar with the fortress and its surrounds."

Jasper stood up. "I'm the one with the military background. I should go!"

Emmett stood up. "I'm stronger than any of you. I should go."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Here we go, it's time to measure dicks."

Alice, in her wisdom, said, "Well, we can't all go."

"Alice is right," I said. "The Volturi would get tipped off. When Edward and I went to Isle Esme, they were there before we even landed."

Carlisle said, "You're right. Only the strongest of us should go."

Once again, the boys started to squabble over who was the best of the best. They looked at Carlisle to make his final choice…

A great hush fell over the room. Carlisle spoke. "Edward, you go find Jacob."

Rose stood up, knocking over her chair. "You're gonna send in that stinking dog-fucker?"

Carlisle replied, "Billy tells me that he's going through the burning bed syndrome. He has to wait for Nessie to be of coital age, you know."

Edward covered his ears. "I do not need to hear this. Lalalallalalalalallala…"

Carlisle smacked Edward on the back of the head. "Like you weren't whitewashing the ceiling waiting for Bella to marry you all those nights. Good thing your bedroom ceiling is stucco'd."

Esme yelled, "I don't need to be hearing this."

I replied, "I would like to hear more about this another time. Can we get back to the topic at hand?"

"That is the topic at hand," Emmett insisted, pounding his chest like a trained sea lion.

Carlisle pursed his lips. "Right now, Jacob has more anxiety, adrenaline, stamina and strength than any of us. Billy says he's already destroyed seven mattresses this month alone."

"TMI," I yelled.

Edward raised one eyebrow. "Well, at least if he gets killed, we can spare him."

I Gibb-smacked my mate on the back of his head. "That's your almost-son-in-law you're talking about."

"Daughter-fucker," Edward growled under his breath. He turned to Carlisle. "Fine. What is your plan, and how is Jacob going to help?"

"Well," Carlisle said, "it is true that we have to be stealthful, ourselves, during this escapade, so that we don't tip off the Volturi. It would be a crying shame to have them escape from Volterra and miss their own annihilation." He looked at my husband. "I was thinking, Edward. Do you remember Billy's cousin, who runs air freight to Asia and Europe out of Vancouver?"

Edward replied," Ye-e-es?"

"I can sign Death Certificates. So… we'll send you overseas in a coffin for burial in Tuscany, and Jacob can go in wolf form in a cage destined for the zoo."

"Finally, you've come to your senses!" Rose beamed, clapping.

Esme rolled her eyes at Rosalie. Carlisle continued. "We'll get Billy's cousin to arrange for the flight to land in Milan, and you two will have to escape once you've passed through Customs. From there, you will have to get to Volterra. If you get too tired, just ride Jacob."

Jasper and Em both started howling like dogs getting butt-fucked. Edward slammed his fist down on the table so hard that he split it from stem to stern.

"You're replacing that," Esme said.

"Sorry, Mom," Edward said sheepishly. Our daughter appeared at the head of the stairs.

"What's going on, Daddy?" she wondered aloud.

"Uh, nothing. Children should be seen and not heard. Go play on your computer."

"Yes, Daddy."

I gave Edward the once-over. "She's going to be just like you. Poor Jake."

"Edward," Esme pouted. "There's a table just like mine in the Pope's main audience chamber. Don't come home without it."

"Yes, mother."

"That about covers it," Carlisle said. "Jasper, start forging the documents. Edward, go fetch Jacob and fill him in on the way here. Emmett, go down to the funeral parlour and buy the hearse. Nobody's died in months, so pay whatever he wants. Get a nice bronze coffin. Jasper, when you've finished with the documents, borrow Bella's truck and go buy the biggest dog kennel you can find. Make sure it has pee pads included, and some chew toys. I have a feeling Jacob is going to be terribly bored on the flight."

Edward and I hopped in the Volvo and headed for Jacob's house. I was very quiet, petrified not only at the thought of losing my Dad, but my recently-acquired soul mate. Edward kept babbling on about how he couldn't believe how Charlie had kept secrets from us for so long. I just kept saying, "I dunno… I dunno…" over and over.

When we got out of the car, Jacob came out of the house to greet us. His first remark was, "This isn't April Fool's Day. It must be a joke, right? If Charlie's a Seal, then I'm God's gift to women."

Billy came out of the house and joined the conversation. "It's true, Jake. You must help the Cullens protect Charlie and destroy the Cold Ones."

Jacob reluctantly agreed. "I'm concerned about this cage idea. Isn't the flight kinda long?"

Edward answered, "Well, once we're airborne and the cargo bay is sealed, I'll unlatch my coffin and come unlock your cage. We can walk around, and chat, stretch our legs…"

"Great," Jacob scowled. "My first trip overseas, and it's with a coffin, a cage, and _you_."

The three of us piled into the Volvo and drove back to Cullen Central. We proceeded down the lane, and saw Carlisle and the girls sitting on the front verandah. Edward parked just shy of the garage door. I noticed that Alice, Rose and Esme had strange looks on their faces. When we got out of the car, the reason became apparent: we could hear screeching tires, as though vehicles were caroming closer and closer.

Suddenly, my red truck came barreling into the lane on the left, and at the same time, a black hearse came screeching in from the right. They almost side-swiped each other.

"My truck!" I yelled.

The vehicles dragged down Cullen Lane as Jasper and Emmett raised the middle finger to each other.

"Bouya," Edward said. I smacked him in the stomach. "Woof."

The two males did not slow down. Rather, they did a 360 degree donut, in opposite directions. The back end of my truck ended up in the fish pond, and the front of the hearse took out part of Esme's prize garden. A cloud of dust settled as both vehicles finally stopped.

Esme stood up and yelled, "For fuckity fuckin fuck's sake!"

"Swears jar!" the males all yelled.

"My truck!" I squeaked again, still having palpitations.

"Good thing Charlie put new tires on it, right?" Jasper drawled, giving it a pat.

Jacob's eyes were huge. "I'm not getting in the back of that fuckin thing with him driving."

Renesmee peeped out the door. "What's 'fuck'?" she demanded.

"Go play with your dolls," all the vampires said.

"But Daddy," she whined. "You say it every time you and Mommy send me to my bedroom, and then she cries like you're hurting her."

I said, "Go to your room. Children should be seen and not heard."

Emmett did a little lewd dance that involved a lot of thrusting. Rosalie's tongue rolled out onto the ground.

Carlisle said, "Bella will drive her truck to the airport, with Jasper as passenger, and Jacob in the back, in the cage."

"Where he belongs," Rose murmured.

Carlisle silenced her with a look. "I will drive the hearse, with Emmett as passenger, and Edward will ride in the coffin in the back."

"Mm, just where he belongs," Jacob murmured.

"Daughter-fucker," Edward snarled.

"Okay… Let's have a break," Carlisle said. "I need to shoot up with some morphine. Jacob, you are babysitting Renesmee."

"Yay!" Jacob yelled, jumping up and down.

"Over my undead body," Edward snarled.

"I don't know who's crazier, Charlie or me," Carlisle sighed. "Where the fuck is my morphine?"

Renesmee yelled from the upstairs window, "Grandpa, are you fucking again?"

We all threw our hands in the air. "Go back to your toys!"

I asked Edward to join me for a relaxing walk in the woods. We came across a grassy pasture, and laid down. My head was on his chest, and our legs intertwined. I rubbed his stomach, pulling up his shirt. The sun peeked from between the clouds, making his washboard abs sparkle.

Edward stroked my hair and rubbed my back. I looked up and started to nibble on his chin. He sat up a bit and our lips met. We teased each other a little bit, with little pecks here and there, pulling on each other's lips. He then turned my head to lick my neck and nibble on my ear. He knew it would get me turned on. I could feel my nipples getting hard and the lips in my groin puffing out.

I reached up his shirt and gently stimulated his nipples. Then, I undid the button on his pants and snuck my finger under the band of his Calvin Klein's to play with his soft pubic hair for a minute. I reached down and touched the base of his dick, which was tenting quite a bit. I rubbed my hand further down his long shaft and felt the drops of pre-cum moistening his tip.

With that, he sat me up and took off my shirt and bra, and began to gently lick and suck my nipples. I moaned with sheer delight and pleasure. Not long after, I had to have his pants off. I unzipped his fly, pulled his jeans and underwear down to his shoes, allowing his 9 inch cock to spring free and hit me in the face, planting a string of pre-cum on my cheek. I started to lick and caress his shaft, and nibble on his head. Peeking up, I delighted in the joyful look on his face. He ran his fingers through my hair, holding my head. I took his cock all the way down my throat, started a nice, slow rhythm, relaxing, taking him all the way. After a few minutes of this, my pussy was open and dripping. I had to have his cock in me. Now.

I stood, took my shoes and pants off, and Edward grabbed my underwear and slid it down. He moistened his fingers in his mouth and worked them into my hot chasm. He found my g-spot right away. His tongue was on my clit, swirling away, slurping as the juice ran down his chin. I couldn't wait any longer. I pushed him to the ground, spread his knees apart, faced him, and plunged forcefully down on his cock.

Such great pleasure: I always feel so full when he's in me. Grabbing his hands in front of me, I got up on my feet and started to bounce. Harder and faster we went, with my pussy milking his cock for all it was worth. I could feel all his ridges as I leaned forward and sucked his face, continuing to pound on his mound. I loved the feel of his soft pubic hair on my labia. It seemed to heighten every nerve ending in my groin.

We sped to the finish, clinging to each other until I exploded my juice all over Edward's mound and belly. A second later, Edward's hips arched up as his thick cum shot deep inside me. I leaned forward, kissed him on the lips, and said, "I love you so much. Promise me you'll come back."

Edward replied, "I will always come home to you, and I promise to bring Charlie back."

I collapsed on top of him, and we held each other in a long embrace while the sun glistened down on our bodies. "Let's do this next week, again," Edward suggested.

"It's a date," I confirmed.


	3. Chapter 3: Blue Moon

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental._

**J (Open-mouthed): You're posting. You promised me a chapter 13 months ago, you realize this?**

**A: I have to admit it's because two new readers added this story to their favourites last week.**

**J (Side eyes): You're probably gonna be in trouble after this one.**

**A (blinks innocently): Why?**

**J: My readers are about to discover that there isn't a boundary you won't push against.**

**A: I'm the baby of the family. I like attention.**

**J: My fifth child. You like to shock people. I really worry about you sometimes.**

**A (Ignores J's comment): Plus, I have a warped sense of humour and a desire for revenge.**

**J: Revenge upon whom? Me?**

**A: Edward and Jacob, silly. Admirers world-wide fawn on them. We normal men have to get back at them somehow.**

**J (Bristles): You went to a Con with me dressed as Carlisle, and did karaoke and the costume contest. You even dyed your hair blond. YOU are a closet Twiguy who uses me as an excuse to role play.**

**A (Shrugs): **_**Breaking Dawn 2**_** was awesome. The fight scene rocked.**

**J: This is why we're still married.**

**A: 20 years this August.**

**J (Mutters): And he remembers! Brownie points for you.**

**A: Do these brownie points involve sex?**

**J: What do you think?**

**A: I am made of win.**

__**Chapter 3: Blue Moon**

_**Edward's pov:**_

I was starting to get restless in the casket. The bumps in the road were not very pleasant. I longed for the ability to sleep; I wasn't used to holding still for so long. The entire trip to Canada, I could smell wet dog in Bella's truck, which was in front of my hearse. I felt the light at the end of the tunnel as we turned into what I assumed must be the cargo export section of the Vancouver Airport.

We stopped and it was very quiet for a while. Then, we slowly moved forward, stopped again and I could hear male humans approach Bella's truck and speak to Jasper. I picked up questions –mental and voiced- pertaining as to why a circus wolf was special enough to go to Italy. I spoke to Jazz at vampire pitch. "Dazzle them."

Jasper told the guard, "The wolf's a contortionist. He can twist himself into a pretzel to the point where he can put his nose all the way up his rear end." The guard laughed so hard that he spit coffee all over Bella's truck. His supervisor came storming out of the guard hut in a temper.

"Earl! What the hell? Look what you did to this person's classic truck."

"Oh, it's all right," Jazz drawled. "All in good fun. I just need to get this kinky pooch on board the plane in time."

Jacob made a Scooby Doo-like "Huh?" and then growled low.

Earl said, "I'm sorry to delay you. All your paperwork seems to be in order. Follow the blue line to your boarding area for inspection."

"Thank you, Earl," Jasper said, pulling away.

My hearse, driven by Emmett, was next in line to be inspected. Emmett was cranking tunes, not paying attention to my conversation with Jasper. He suddenly realized that the guards had been waiting for more than a minute for him to pull forward.

Earl said, "Come on pretty boy, pull up here before the dead start to walk the earth. Through Em's eyes, I could see him wave Em forward. Em floored the gas at an incredible speed and locked up the brakes. He came to a dead stop about an inch from the steel gate, sending my coffin lurching forward into the bed block and crashing my head into the end of the casket.

"Fucking moron!" I yelled, upon which Earl walked up to Em's window.

"Pardon me?" the guard demanded angrily of Emmett, who blinked.

"Oh, I'm not talking about you. I'm mad at my mechanic. She's always got the breaks so tight on this; it's like a teen virgin on her wedding night." _Just like Baby Bee, right, Eddie?_ He thought.

"I'm gonna tell Rosalie you complained about the truck," I told him at vamp pitch.

_Add it to my list of sins. Put it on page 497 of your rat book_, Em thought.

"Done!" I told him.

Earl looked over the documents Jasper forged and started to laugh over the name serving as my alias. "Edouardo Fellatiano?"

At vampire pitch, I told Em, "Jasper is so dead."

"Yeah," Em answered Earl. "That name really sucks." He laughed his dirtiest laugh.

Earl ignored him for being crass. "Okay, so the body is being sent to the deceased's home town in Italy for burial, but he's only seventeen?" He flipped through pages. "And he died from blood loss related to haemophilia? Poor bastard. So young, eh?"

"Yeah," Em said with a mendacious sombreness and repeated his joke. "it really sucks."

"Hah. Hah," I muttered. "Fell flat again, douchebag."

"All your paperwork's in order. You can go," Earl said.

Em looked at my casket in the rear view mirror. "Don't be pissed at me for Jasper's jokes."

"I'll deal with him later," I promised. "But you don't need to add any teasing to this situation."

Within five minutes, we caught up to Bella's truck. Jacob seemed to be enjoying the breeze as the fresh Canadian air fluffed his fur. Every once in a while he'd lift his leg and let it caress his gonads.

Jasper thought at me, _I can't believe this fucking dog_.

I told him, "Putting up with Jacob is the least of your worries. Edouardo Fellatiano? I'm gonna kill you, asshat."

Soon we approached the export cargo hanger for air freight at Vancouver Airport. Both Jasper and Em presented their respective documents and Jacob and I were conveyed to the unloading station. Jasper single-handedly lifted Jacob's kennel onto the inspection table and the very fey Canadian Border Service Agent flounced over and gave him the once-over.

"My, oh my, you've been working out, haven't you?" he asked, batting his lashes.

Jasper, sensing that he best go along in order to expedite the transfer of Jacob onto the plane, smiled big and said back to the CBS agent, "Ooh, I'm glad you noticed."

I gagged.

"I just have to do a quick exam to make sure your puppy's not ill or diseased. I'll just check for fever before we let him on the plane." Earl snapped on a pair of gloves and produced an anal thermometer the size of a billy stick. Jacob's ass puckered and he growled.

"Oh," the agent said, wincing. "Maybe…"

"I'd say he's fine," Jasper suggested.

"What a shame, I wasted a perfectly good glove," the CBS sighed.

"I'll be back later, babe," Jasper winked.

"My name's Eugene," the guard simpered.

Jasper nodded and palmed the guy's phone number as two guys picked up Jacob's crate and put it onto a forklift, which sat awaiting more cargo to be loaded onto the plane. Eugene motioned Em forward and Em put pedal to the metal. Stopping abruptly, he again made the coffin slide forward and again, I hit my head. _How did I get into this? Oh, yeah. It's all over a girl named Bella._ FML.

Emmett parked and exited the hearse. Flamboyant Eugene minced over with an infatuated sigh. _Oh, two hotties in a row? I wonder if this one will want my phone number, too._ "Hi, handsome. Where are your dicks? I mean docs."

"Right here," Em said with a repressive look.

"Edouardo Fellatiano," Eugene hummed as he read over the export papers. "Mmm? I wonder if he was in porn." He looked up at Emmett. "Okay, I need to inspect the body. Can you whip it out? I mean, remove the casket and unlock it please?"

Silently, Em shifted my casket onto the trolley, wheeled me over and unlocked it. I knew everything would fall apart if Eugene got any idea I wasn't thoroughly dead. The lid opened and bright light assailed me through my eyelids. "Oh, what a shame," he murmured. "So beautiful, so young." He frowned and bent over me. "He's not in a black bag. That's contrary to the rules. And is he dressed?"

Em pouted. "Well, if you read the documents, he just died this morning and the family requested that he be returned to Italy without being embalmed. So, he's been on ice."

Eugene said, "Yes, he does look rather like pewter steel. I wonder why he's sort of shiny."

Emmett cleared his throat.

"Okay, you may go stand behind the hearse or look away while I inspect the body."

"Uh, say what?" Emmett blinked.

"I have to check the body for contraband. And then, before it goes on the plane, it has to be bagged."

Oh, hell to the no.

"But the family is Jewish and they don't want his body tampered with," Emmett argued.

"Well, I have to inspect the mouth, abdomen and rectum."

Jacob started making odd grunting and hissing noises. Jasper told him, "Shut the fuck up, it isn't funny."

Jacob let out a huge howl. Bastard.

Oh fuck, fuck fuck! Eugene was going to get use out of his rubber glove after all. I could _See_ (through Em's eyes) him bring over a huge tub of white industrial grease. I clenched my teeth as he slowly unzipped my pants and pulled them down.

"Can you not just X-Ray the body?" Emmett begged.

Eugene shook his head. "I prefer to be thorough."

"He, uh, the family, won't be happy about this."

Jasper thought, _Ed's goin' to put a sequoia up this fucker's ass when we're done this gig_.

My list of planned victims was growing. Jacob was still laughing and dancing on his paws.

My sphincters closed like Venus fly traps.

I was now half-naked and the object of Eugene's admiration. Emmett sighed and pinched his eyes shut. Eugene rolled me over slightly and tried to pull apart my ass cheeks. Without success. If he thought I was going to let him fist my ass in front of my brothers and Jacob, he had another thing coming.

Eugene frowned. "Would you please come over here? I need a little assistance."

Emmett knew I was waiting for him to kill the pervert. "What's with the guards over there with the machine guns?" Watching some heavily armed guards approach, he decided he couldn't kill and dispose of Eugene.

"Oh, they're inspecting a truck load of baby formula to make sure it's not heroin."

"Oh."

"Please get a move on or he won't be going home on this plane."

"Oh." _Forgive me, Edward._

No, no, no.

Emmett came over and lifted my top leg in the air. I added him to my hit list. Eugene was not going to let us go without touching me. He gave his glove a snap and poked his greasy fingers –as hard as he could- up my ass. To the elbow. I didn't so much as flinch, but Jacob was laughing his dog ass off. I wondered how severely I could injure him -and wait for him to heal, and injure him again- without killing him.

"What is with that wolf? It's almost like he's laughing," Eugene wondered aloud, poking around in my innards.

I thought, "This pervert does this to every stiff that comes through here. Well, I'll show him stiff. I clamped down my sphincter around his arm as hard as I could and he started screaming in agony. Happily, he was no longer enjoying his job. Unhappily, half the facility came running.

"We are so fucked," Jasper moaned.

Jacob thought, No, more like Edward's so fucked.

Emmett released my leg but I kept it suspended. Four more CBS agents ran over to Eugene to find out what was the matter.

"I don't know, but I think my arm's about to break! I can't pull out and the pain is incredible!"

"It serves you right!" one of the guards snapped. "You're the only guy who still inspects corpses this way. You should have just sent him to X-Ray."

Oh, FML. The four agents came over, grabbed Eugene and pulled on his entire body as hard as they could.

"Stop! My arm's going to break right off!" He screamed in agony.

"Go get the jaws of life!" one yelled. I released Eugene with a noisy pop and they all fell down like a bunch of bowling pins, at least ten feet away. First time I farted since my undeath.

"Wait 'til we tell the gals and Carlisle about this," Jasper said gleefully.

_This will be The Story the pack will tell for the next millennium_, Jacob thought, laughing himself stupid.

Three of the guards carried a battered, broken-armed Eugene off to the infirmary while the supervisor apologized repeatedly to Emmett. "Please, this was unnecessary and the guard will be dismissed. Don't tell the deceased's family."

"There are no secrets in The Family," Emmett growled. "Can you get this processed?"

The supervisor read the papers and realized that my body was destined for Volterra. "Oh, fuck. He's from that crime family, right? Go! Get out, please! Get him the fuck out of Canada!" Only a Canadian would say 'please' under these circumstances, yeah? He pushed down on the leg that I still had suspended in air and I allowed him to flatten me out, stuff in my clothes and slam the lid shut on my coffin.

My box was added to the forklift, which caromed across the tarmac and deposited us in the cargo hold of the plane. Jasper got into Bella's truck and drove away. Em got into the hearse, wished me mentally well and followed Jasper. Once out of the terminal, they both pulled into the nearest gas station.

"I guess there's no chance of us going into Witness Protection," Jasper said to Em.

"We're fucked," Emmett agreed. His cell rang.

"What is going on?" Carlisle demanded. "Alice keeps saying, 'I'm so sorry, Bella,' and Bella is sobbing."

Suddenly, Bella took over. "Jasper! Tell me what has happened to Edward, right now!"

"Uh," Jasper said evasively, "Both of 'em are fine, now."

"What happened before they got on the plane, Jasper?" Bella growled.

"We got a pervert of a border guard who insisted on doing a body cavity search."

"A w-w-what?"

"Um, Edward mightn't be so tight-assed from now on…"

Jacob's crate and my coffin were strapped down in the hold and the loading personnel departed. The engines started, we felt the plane's wheels bump along and then, we were airborne. As the plane climbed, Jacob's claws scuffed against the metal tray of his cage. About twenty minutes later, the plane levelled out and I suspected we were out of Canadian airspace and en route to Italy via the Pacific.

My casket was secured only by the handles and Emmett had left it unlocked. Stealthily, I opened the lid, climbed out, stretched my limbs, blew out some grease from my ass (which splattered on the wall) and got dressed. The pilots were too busy singing along to Lionel Richie's _Hello_ to notice anything amiss. Silently, I tiptoed around a pile of boxes and located Jacob's cage.

Jacob, still in wolf form, seemed to be grooming his privates. He was startled as I hissed, "What the fuck are you doing?" at which point he phased back to human, his dick in his mouth. I threw up in my mouth a little. "You are not marrying my daughter."

Jacob released his dick with a pop and it waved its eye at me. I grabbed my hair and tried to squeeze the image out of my brain.

"Fuck my life. I know way too much about you to let you live," I told him.

"Dude? You are waaay too uptight. At LaPush-"

I held out my palm. "Stop talking. Now."

Jacob ignored me. "Can you let me out of the cage, Grandpa?"

I really, really didn't want to.


	4. Chapter 4: Royal Effup

**Chapter 4: Royal Effup**

_Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely meant in fun._

**Jess: So, this is a surprise. Everybody's going to have to reread this so they remember what it's about.**

**Anthony: Can I help it if our life is stressful? We're on vacation. Fireplace, Jacuzzi, no kids… Call it my belated gift to you for our anniversary.**

**Jess: Bouya. Twenty-one years. And you said we'd sleep in and then woke me at 5AM.**

**Anthony: And I lived to dictate the chapter.**

**Jess: Well, happy belated anniversary to us, and happy Thanksgiving, Canada. (Let's hope he'll give us the chapter before another year goes by.)**

**Anthony: There are only a couple of chapters left. I'll give them another one in a couple of weeks.**

**Jess: When have I heard that before?**

_**Edward's POV:**_

Land masses became visible in the Mediterranean and we knew we were getting close. Dog Boy and I tiptoed to the plane's loading ramp. I opened the electronic panel and as planned, Jacob pissed on the fuse box that controlled the sensor alarms, shorting them out. Silently, I pressed the release and the rear loading ramp opened with a grinding sound. I cut through the straps tethering Jacob's cage. He pitched it out into the blue over the ocean and waved goodbye to it. I picked up a suitcase containing the equipment of which we'd have need and watched it sail down on its mini parachute.

"You know these pilots are never going to work again when they land and discover the two of us are missing," the dog said.

I rolled my eyes, "Did you not smell the alcohol on their breath earlier? These fuckwits are pickled. They shouldn't be flying anyway."

"I told you they were Billy's friends, right?" He dragged my coffin over. I picked it up and flung it out into the wind. "Grandpa? Whatcha gonna do if that hits something?"

"I wish you'd just shut the fuck up. What are the chances? There's more ocean down there than land. Look! That's Italy down there. In about 20 minutes, we'll be low enough to jump out."

Jacob cocked his head with an 'I'm-a-confused-puppy' look. "Ruh?"

I waved at him dismissively. "It'll be fine."

"Dude!" he barked.

"Ssh! They're going to hear us." I managed to get him to zip it (after ten minutes of ineffectual sign language on my part) by giving him a purple nurple. He spent the next ten minutes gnawing at his own hand in sheer terror. "Okay, it's time to jump," I told him.

Jacob peered out into the open abyss above the mountainous land mass. "I-I-I dunno about this, Edward. It's awfully-"

"Don't worry, I'll grab you before you land." I put my boot up his ass and shoved him out.

"Aaaaaaaaaah… you… ba… starrrrrrd…" he yelled as he fell, flipping in the air and shifting to wolf form. His cries turned into pathetic little yips.

I sighed. "No way are you marrying my daughter. Just, no." I stepped out into air, rocketed toward the earth like Superman, performed a gymnastic routine tribute to Greg Louganis, snatched the handle of my suitcase and plummeted after my future son-in-law, wondering if I just ought to let him land on his own and hopefully break a few bones. What! He heals. No big.

The mountains rushed up at us and Jacob's howls turned to screams. He splayed out his four legs and said his prayers. We were about 3 yards from the ground and I was about to grab him by his scruff when, at the last possible second, he rolled. There was only one possible appendage by which I could grab him.

Sadly, I did not snatch it right off.

For some reason, he didn't stop screaming. Didn't the moron understand that I was trying to save him?

I set my feet lightly to the rocky turf, bending my legs to absorb the impact. Perfect, three point landing, with an oversized mutt dangling in my grip.

He phased to human. "Ow! Fuck! Imma get you for that, Nosferatu!" His stupid prick was winking at me again, ohmygod.

My naked wannabe son-in-law writhed on the ground, whimpering and clutching his junk. Sighing, I pulled his shorts out of my suitcase and tossed them at him. He opened one tortured eye. "How bad is it?"

I looked at my nails. "How bad is what?"

"My dick! Dude! I think you pulled off part of my dick! Now tell me how bad it is!"

I wiped my hand on my shirt. "You're not bleeding. Man up, Dog."

Jacob peeked at his stretched member. "Whoa… Whadda ya know? You must have pulled more of it out from inside to where it shows! My dick is bigger." He posed like a musclebound geek, admiring it.

"So, congratulations. It's almost the average human size now. It might actually be long enough to stick in somebody. NOT my daughter."

We got our stuff arranged and then my satellite phone beeped. "Hello, Bella. We just landed. All is going to plan. Over."

"Not really. Over."

"What do you mean? Over."

"You need to watch some bloody news. Over."

"Can't you just tell me? Over."

"It would take too long to explain. Watch the news ASAP. Over."

I pulled my tablet out of its case and booted it up. "I'll get back to you later. Over."

"Love you. Over."

"Love you more. Over and out."

I put the phone down and used data to access BBC Newsworld. On screen was the Queen of England wearing a yellow raincoat, a fisherman's hat and a crown. Prince Phillip stood behind her in his customary grey suit, looking dumbfounded. Behind them were several coastal rescue vehicles.

"What happened, Your Majesty?" the reporter asked, sticking a big black microphone in Queenie's face. She waved her gloved hands around vaguely.

"Well, We are certain We just do not know," she said. "Flip my husband and I were having a weekend off. We borrowed Britannia for a short runabout and We were enjoying the sea ayahh, when out of nowhayahh, perhaps twenty-five feet to the stern, there was an enormous crash. It scared the devil out of Flip, I must say. The poor man's prostate is the size of a grapefruit. It takes a lot out of a man when he cannot... Well, once Flip's valet had helped him into fresh pants and the all clear was given, Our very bewildered captain allowed Us back onto the deck, where We found to Our dismay that someone had made a rather large hole in daddy's yacht by dropping an animal cage on it."

"Oh, fuck," Jacob and I chorused.

"And no sooner had We decided that it must be some message from those Peta people than a wooden coffin smashed to the deck, knocking Us to the ground and frightening the pee out of Flip again. We have decided that it must be some kind of terrorist attack on Us."

The reporter shoved out her mic again. "What will happen now, Your Majesty?"

She nodded her head mournfully. "Our captain tells Us that Lloyds may not cover this spectacular and unusual manner of damage. Even Lloyds of London does not provide insurance from falling animal cages and coffins. We shall ask the British people to donate to set this right so that Daddy's boat may be seaworthy again."

"It's a ship," Phillip muttered. "And it's not your daddy's anymore. It's not even yours anymore, you git."

She sniffed. "Not that We are bitter that We don't own her anymore."

"And how are you, Prince Phillip?" the reporter asked, sticking her microphone in his face.

"That's a stupid question, innit?" he frowned. "Some idiot attacked us just because I support the fox hunt or something. How the hell am I supposed to know? I told her she should have sold the damn ship sooner."

"Flip!"

"But noooo," he said, eyes rolling. "One can't say no to her, she's the fucking queen."

She hit him with her handbag. "Flip! Do stop talking."

"Yes, Ma'am." He turned away and muttered, "Bloody bitch."

The reporter touched the earbud she was wearing. "Ma'am, fresh news is in! Two American pilots have been arrested and detained in Italy. Apparently, somewhere off the coast, some of their cargo was accidentally jettisoned. The body of an Italian citizen and a large wolf -bound for _Zoosafari, Apulien, in southern Italy-_ have gone missing."

The queen blinked. "So, it's not Peta then?"

"No, Ma'am."

"Americans?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Evidently, they were both drunk and not attending to their duties."

"Well, We are relieved that there was no intent to harm Us, but Our government shall be discussing this matter further with Mr. Bush."

"Shit," I mouthed.

"And We shall personally sponsor a fox at Zoosafari to compensate them for their terrible loss. The poor creature!"

The reporter beamed into the camera. "And there you have it! Whatever next? Whatever happens in the world, the BBC news team will be there to keep _you_ informed."

"Way to go, wizard!" Jacob sneered.

I lifted a shoulder. "Oops."


End file.
